A dash of life

I’m falling madly in love with One Direction. ♥

Today, I skipped school.

Today, I decided to create a series of posters and invest some useful-ish time to create something worth looking at.

Today, I spent $94 on my work. #lifeofadesigner

I swear I fucking hate my life right now. I literally drag my feet to school each day because I just can’t face the people there. I hate being alone. I mean, I can handle it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. I hate feeling like no matter what I do, I’m going to be criticized for it anyway. People are going to thing shit of me. Heck, they probably wouldn’t give one flying shit about me.

I just wish I could quit, like, really soon, but I want to make sure I have a reliable back-up plan first. I still want to do photography. I still want to be able to finally open up my own wedding planning agency. I still want to be able to travel.

There are so many things I still want to do, but I’m afraid I’ll never get to do the ones I want the most. My life just isn’t leading there right now. I feel like life is pulling me in the direction I don’t want to go. Again.

Gosh, this sucks so bad!!

Aside from the fact that I’m probably going to be alone and my first lesson starts at 8am, I’m actually pretty psyched about the new school year. I’m really hoping things will be a lot different and at least change for the better.

I’ve really been working on myself, revamping my whole attitude and all towards work, and I really hope they see that I’ve at least tried to change and I’m still trying. Change doesn’t happen overnight, because if I could make something change at the snap of my finger, I’d probably be God. (No offense, God.)

Anyway, whatever happens happens, right?

Here’s to a brand new school year, with brand new starts and brand new attitudes. Cheers!

I have come to the realization that my family isn’t like most families in Singapore. In my family, everyone is opinionated and we say what we like, when we want to. Generations still have much respect for the ones before us, but when we disagree on something, no one is shy to voice out his/her disagreements. We do not appreciate hypocrites, and if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.

When we say what we say, we actually do care if we offend someone, but we don’t regret what we say. We know that what we say is true, and if you can’t handle that truth, or if you can’t comprehend what we’re saying, then it’s your own psychological and intellectual problem, not ours.

We joke around with the English language, but we still know how to use it properly. Failing the English language is a no-no. (Some may have also noticed that when we speak, we sound like we have a certain accent/slang.) Also, not only does failing Chinese run in the family, it is expected that we fail Chinese.

For most of the members in the family, we are where we are partly because of what we know, and also largely because of who we know. Networking becomes second nature to us because our family is so big that we know friends of family members who can help us excel in anyway we want. Pulling strings to get to jobs isn’t a crime. It’s called good networking skills.

Although we carry a Chinese surname, none of us have been brought up in the conventional ways of the Chinese. We embrace the dominantly Peranakan upbringing of each generation and the western ways of our Portuguese ancestors. (According to my dad, our Portuguese blood was brought down from the females, hence the Chinese surname, because apparently for generations, the men of the family married Portuguese women.) Our lifestyle follows that of a conventional western family (unconventional in the eyes of a conventional asian household). We have the traditional turkey for Christmas and we get together as a family during Easter (the only thing missing is the annual Easter egg-hunt because we’re all to lazy to hide the eggs).

So yes, this family is very special. We don’t need to know a lot of people, just the important ones will do and we really don’t care if people stop liking us after a while, once we get what we want, it’s completely fine. People can come and go, but family will always be there. This family’s bond is strong, and nothing can tear this family apart.

Considering how you wanted to only give me credit for the little that I did (which I did say okay to because I knew that would only be fair), I had expected myself to fail, or get at least a D or C.

Instead, I got a B (because the grades said so), so, yes, I scored better than expected.

Issue?

That’s right. Studio Project’s starting tomorrow and I’m both scared and excited for this project at the same time.

I’m scared because I know that ‘sleep’ will be removed from my vocabulary and I’ll have to learn how to use IT equipment I never knew existed. I got grouped up with people I’ve never worked with before (other than Eileen) so I’m just hoping that we don’t end up fighting because of this project.

On a lighter note, I’m pretty psyched about this particular project because we get to do cool visual installations during an actual live performance, plus I managed to get Earl and the guys to play at the show, so I’m really looking forward to working with them too! I haven’t seen a couple of them in years. I can’t wait!

This show’s going to be awesome and I know it. It’s going to look dope and we’re could potentially get a gig with Esplanade.

I better get an early night’s rest then. I have to be in school early tomorrow to get the rest of the brief. I’ll try to update as much as I can. I promise.

You of all people should already know how I feel about giving advice. You don’t know what to do so I tell you the possibilities of your choice, to help you just a little bit more. But then, without much discussion, you give me an “I don’t know.” ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?! Honestly, I don’t know why I still bother trying to help you if you’re not going to take my advice.

So what if you go to poly? Nobody’s going to look down on you. No one’s going to say you’re a dumb fuck for going to poly. I beat those kinds of people up because they have no right to do so. No one gave them that right to look down on poly kids. They’re no better than us. Even if they had gone to JC and we didn’t, so fucking what? Unlike them, we don’t need to wear ugly-ass uniforms, and we have more canteens with better food.

It won’t kill you if you go to poly alright. You’ll seriously have a lot more fun there, I promise you. You’ll have more fun working on stuff you’re interested in, rather than spend 2 years of your life trying to pass GP.

Going to poly sets your future for you, if that future is what you want for yourself. With a diploma, you can already get a professional job. With an A’level cert, you can only intern. Or you can work part-time at Topshop.

The way they train you in Poly is also on par with the way you’d be trained if you go to Uni, so it won’t be such a culture shock when you get to Uni. Sure, it is tough for a poly kid to get into uni, but that only applies to the local Us. If you have the money, and a strong portfolio, you can get yourself into other Unis all over the world. It’s not that difficult. Then again, even if you did stay in JC, if by the end of the 2 years your grades are a B average, it won’t be easy for you to get into a Uni either. You either go to poly, or you hope as hell that the Uni is kind to you.

But at the end of the day, though, don’t let yourself be tied down by what other people say. Make your own choices. But always know that you can’t have both. Make a choice you know you won’t regret.

As of today, I have no more deadlines for the school term. For now. All that stress from the modules are finally off from my shoulders. I don’t feel so weighed down by anymore pressure. =D

I lost some weight, too, in the process. Over the past few weeks, thanks to all the projects I’m now back under the 50kg mark. YAY! (It just so happens that when I start doing a project and I actually FORGET to eat. Yes, it is possible.)

I have never felt so… relaxed in my life. The thought of NOT having to think about what assignments are due tomorrow is just so amazing. Now I can just chill. That is, until I get my Studio Project 2 briefing and grouping tomorrow. I’m seriously hoping I don’t get put together with someone I can’t work with, or someone I know will complain about the work they have to do, because if that happens, not only will I strangle that person to death, I will bring them back to life and kill them again.

But I shan’t think about that now. I’m just going to sit back and catch up on the Gossip Girl that I stopped watching 3 years ago, all thanks to Dad who didn’t want to get the cable channel. (GRR!)

P.S. I can’t wait for my date with Jeremy on Saturday. We’re going ice-skating again! XD

We cannot keep on going about our lives like this. You’ve been unhappy ever since I can remember and instead of realizing that you over-think the simplest of things and you jump to the most extreme conclusions (even if they aren’t even scientifically possible), you blame the ‘bad vibes’ on whatever you can blame it on.

First, you blamed it on dad, saying he was doing things behind your back, and because you so quickly assumed shit like that, when he failed to tell you what he was doing at every minute of every day, you lost your trust in him. (Seriously?)

Then it was me. You blamed me for, well, basically everything bad that ever happened in the family. In other words, you thought I was a jinx. It was always my fault that you’re stressed out, because I didn’t do things your way. It was always my fault if my sister got in trouble. It was my fault if she got hurt. It was always my fault.

Then came the maid. You got mad at her when she cleared up things in the house because you couldn’t find what you were looking for. In the end, you thought that she stole your things. Finally, when she found them for you, you never thanked her once. You barked orders at her because, in your eyes, she works for you. We all saw her as family, but you put yourself on a pedestal and treated her like a servant. 

And now, the maid is gone, I’m barely home, dad works late, and Adelynne’s always in school, you get mad at everyone because there are chores that you need to do, but you expect us to do them for you because “I work the entire day, from 6 in the morning till 6 in the evening and I’m tired. I work hard to earn money to pay for this house and I’m tired.” Well, I’m sorry I don’t earn money for this household, but it just so happens that I’m still a student who works hard in school so that I can earn enough in the future to live a life. Yes, I work hard. It may not be the same stuff you do, but I sure as hell work just about as hard as you.

Quit comparing yourself to others, because if you keep doing that, you’re going to feel like you’re never good enough, and you’ll never be happy. Try being thankful for once for all the blessings you have. No, you may never be as rich as the Queen of England, but please, I beg you, please, please stop trying to treat yourself as if you are the freaking Queen of England. If things don’t go your way, so be it. Don’t make a huge fuss about it. For all you know, that alternate plan that God has for you may be 10 times better than the plan you have for yourself. All you have to do is accept things for what they’re worth and how they are. Don’t try changing things just so it can suit you. Let it be the way it is, for it probably functions better in it’s original state.

Woke up with killer cramps that stopped me from going to school and ran a slight fever in the middle of the night. Then I checked Facebook and I realized I was too late signing up for the diving trip so I’m just going to sulk at home while everyone else has fun without me. I feel like crying now and I hope it’s only because of the period and nothing else.

The boyfriend came over today to take care of me as best as he could and I was happy when he was here, but that was only temporarily.

Why the hell do I feel like things in my life are going to fall apart?

After all of this time, I still cannot fathom how hearing your name still forces my heart to skip a beat. I’ve moved on with someone new and we’ve been together for more than a year, yet whenever I walk out the MRT station at Tampines, I still hope to bump into you, just to see how you’re doing.

Maybe it’s because you made such an impact in my life. Maybe you were meant to be a lesson that the Almighty Father wanted me to learn and grow from. I’ll never know what His plans for me will ever be, but I know that since I’ve met you, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget the things I’ve learned from you and the experiences I’ve shared with you.

I learned from you that life is a huge journey, and we can only survive this journey by taking things one step at a time. I learned from you that maintaining a relationship isn’t easy. It takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice,and it requires faith and trust. I learned from you that communication is key for any relationship to function properly.

We may never see each other again in this lifetime, so I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank you for being a part of God’s plans for me, for playing a role in moulding me into who I am today.

You’ve made a difference in my life, so I’m dedicating the song ‘For Good’ from the musical Wicked to you. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. God bless you always.